Mesquite 2, Bank Robbers 0

Dear Bank Robbers,

You might want to rethink the idea of picking on a little town when trying to fill your pockets with ill-gotten gains.

We may be small, but we bite back.

Go back to robbing Las Vegas banks, where you have a better chance of getting away with it, and your crimes won't get nearly the attention of, say, a pedestrian getting hit in a crosswalk.

Once again, someone has taken a look at the peaceful little town of Mesquite and made the mistake of thinking us backwards and easy prey.

On Tuesday, for the second time in a little over a year, a bank in Mesquite was robbed.

And for the second time in a little over a year, the fast acting Mesquite Police Department quickly figured out who to look for and sent out the word after courageous citizens stepped forward and provided critical information.  For the second time in a little over a year, the robber did not get away with it.

In November of 2010, the idiot culprit (who didn't even have a getaway car, for crying out loud) was apprehended at a bus station in St. George after the MPD notified them that the Ohio man was on his way to Utah in a taxi.  Police were able to solve this one before the post-pubescent FBI agent from Las Vegas was even able to get his fancy sunglasses properly adjusted, thanks to witnesses who described the guy and helped the MPD detective (a guy named Tanner who now happens to be Mesquite's Chief of Police) piece together the thief's movements and escape plan.

On Tuesday another scumbag eyeballed Mesquite, believed he had found an easy target, and knocked over the Nevada Bank and Trust for a whopping $2,800.  At least this one remembered to bring a getaway vehicle.  Brave eyewitnesses were able to describe the car to police, and our first-class department knew exactly what to do with the information.

Since other police agencies know that MPD isn't prone to "crying wolf" every time someone steals a book of matches like a lot of other tiny rural departments, they were on the lookout and quick to respond.

A lot of news reports claim Tuesday's ending was "tragic" because the dirtball gave himself a lead-based brain enema rather than face up to his crime, shooting himself in the head after getting pulled over on I-15 by Arizona Highway Patrol.  In truth, the only thing "tragic" is that he didn't pull the trigger on his own noggin BEFORE terrorizing innocent bank employees with threats of a bomb and a gun.

Had he known beforehand that this sleepy little burg is actually home to one of the best police departments in the state, with one of the highest "solve" rates in the nation, the Florida loser might have picked on somebody else.  In fact, in December of 2009, Mesquite police took down a murderer from Indiana who had eluded every other police department in the country, earning himself a spot on the TV show "America's Most Wanted." 

In late 2010, barely a year before Detective Troy Tanner became Police Chief Troy Tanner, the department was able to make two arrests in a decade-old murder.  All our detective/chief needs is an inflated set of oversized, collagen-filled lips, and he could have his own "Closer" crime show on TNT.

Major kudos also go out to the Arizona cops who pulled over the thief on Tuesday.  Obviously, they were risking their lives against an armed nutjob who could have easily used their craniums for target practice instead of his own.

About the only screw-up in this entire affair was the desk jockey who made the ridiculous decision to shut down all four lanes of I-15 overnight out of fear that the vehicle might have contained "hazardous materials," a banal euphemism that technically encompasses everything from nuclear weapons down to an open bottle of cough syrup.  Even if the guy had a functioning meth lab in his back seat filled with every toxic chemical imaginable, was it really necessary to close the entire interstate?  Nobody actually saw the explosives the hoodlum claimed to have, and even if one existed, a closure of two lanes wasn't enough room to work for your bomb squad?  And since when does it take 18 hours to figure that out?

However, that snarky little observation aside, an enormous "thank you" goes out once again to the Mesquite Police Department, the "amazing little department that could."  Our sincere thanks also go to the brave Arizona Highway Patrol officers.  And finally, huge appreciation to the eagle-eyed community-minded witnesses with the courage to help the police catch the culprit.  One of the reasons it's easier to get away with bank robberies in metropolitan places like Las Vegas is because they don't have citizens like ours.

Now if we could just get a memo out to the interloping stick-up artists out there: Don't bother coming here.  We're known as the "Diamond in the Desert."  And as any fourth-grader could tell these losers, a diamond is one of the hardest substances on Earth.  Mesquite may sparkle and shine, but we're not going to be easy to crack.